maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
