Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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