apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
