I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
All the doctor said was why
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
