Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
