Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
