she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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