just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
