at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
