The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
