Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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