While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
