just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
