AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
