i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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