I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
