i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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