omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
