quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
