i wish my penis had a tongue
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
