mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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