I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
