rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
