who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He felt like a one man threesome
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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