You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
did i walk over a car last night?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
