Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
