I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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