Need sex. Gaining weight.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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