I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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