I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
