Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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