yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
