Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
