i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
All the doctor said was why
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize