you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Randomize
