I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
