Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
be right there i have to get my cape
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize