just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize