And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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