So drunk its hurt
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
