remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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