the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
