yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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