woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
