I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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