my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
COCAINE IS GR8
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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