you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
