so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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