one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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