Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
