AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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