nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
