How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
