do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
