They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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