i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
