i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it was like eating out sand paper
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
