bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
