I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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