I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
