I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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