Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize