i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
