you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
