went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
